The Walking Balance Class

featuring the teacher who was a former dancer

My youngest daughter plays lacrosse and was experiencing back pain, so we visited the doctor. He recommended a trip to our chiropractor. Through the door we were instantly relaxed with the sounds of their trickling waterfall, soothing scents and visually cozy surroundings. Daughter’s name is called and following our discussion as to whether or not I should accompany her, she sallies forth to go into the exam room alone. This is a first, and I’m wishing I was permitted admittance, not by my doctor but by my daughter. Surprisingly, the doctor invites me in for the assessment.

Cheerfully, I agree. (Experienced mom note: Children NEVER disclose enough info to doctors, which is why moms should be present.) We discuss daughter’s health and back pain problem. Doctor determines she’s fine, but her overall posture and balance could improve. With marketing hat on, he recommends an on-site balance class conducted by a woman who was a former dancer and now is teaching the art of proper posture and balance to others. He suggests that I attend as well and pick up few pointers.

In all honesty, I’m a complete and total spaz with a layer of dysfunctional balance as icing on the cake. Having had two surgeries -- neck and back, I count my successes by rooms I can still paint, driveways I can still shovel and stairs I haven’t fallen down recently. Because of my balance or lack thereof, I no longer decorate staircase handrails at Christmas and always grip both sides going up or down stairs. This is learned behavior resulting from past trips, falls and stumbles. If I’m half asleep in the morning coming down the stairs, I’ll take the last two stairs as one and “boom” make a big sound sending hubby out to see if it’s just another spazy moment or I’m actually hurt. Fortunately, it’s usually the former rather than the latter, and that was a result of attempting to turn off the alarm on my cell phone while descending stairs. You’re likely thinking, can the woman walk and chew gum? Not anymore really. I used to be able to roast a chicken, clean the house and wash the car all at the same time. That was then, this is now.

It’s balance class day and we arrive at 9 AM promptly through the torrential rain. The class consists of myself, daughter and two women a bit younger than me. So there’s four students and one teacher (the former dancer) who arrives 10 minutes late due to the inclement weather. At first glance, teacher is NOT what I expected. She’s about 60-70 years of age, very overweight, gray-haired and has an enormous bandage on her whole right hand thumb. To complete the picture, the bandage has a few dots of blood on it. The class is scheduled from 10 AM – 1 PM and I can’t imagine how we’re going to do so little in so long. Daughter is furious and in her non-participation mode, which I ignore.

Teacher begins, “Stretch and scream b-l-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h. This is our tension releasing exercise.” Done. Now, walk around the room. She’s watching and critiquing our walking strut and balance. My daughter gives me the dagger eyes. “How does that feel?” she asks. “You’re all looking so much lighter on your feet. Don’t they feel lighter?” Oh, yeah, they’re so different everyone replies. The other women, to whom I’ll refer as classmate #1 and #2 begin to report some problems. Mind you, these women weight about 100 lbs each.

Classmate #1: “I feel better on my feet but now my gerd is acting up.”

Classmate #2: “My back is hurting now."

I think to myself, “Seriously? Is this where we’re going?" I resist the temptation to report some stupid health blip but decide to take the high road with the hope of qualifing as one of the more sane people in the room.

More balance exercises and snack time. No one eats the snacks, teacher performs a dancer’s stretch on the floor and informs us that none of us is able to do such a thing at this time because we are not in physical shape to do so. I think to myself, “At least I can use a knife without cutting off my thumb…”

Daughter is so angry that she’s even there she has completely stopped interacting with anyone. I ignore it and attempt to come away from the class having learned SOMETHING. Teacher informs me that my lower torso and neck areas are extremely tight, boxy and controlled. What DOES that mean? I must learn to loosen the protective control on them. Seriously? Did she conclude this from the disclosure that I’ve had surgeries? Let’s see, how does one loosen the area surrounding a cervical neck fusion? Just tossing that out, but I’m feeling MUCH lighter on my toes! And we’re walking in circles around the room….

It’s feedback time again:

Classmate #1: “I beginning to get a migrane headache now.”

Classmate #2: “I’m feeling very ill, kind of dizzy, perhaps it’s all of this walking in circles…”

Daughter is staring at the clock silently and counting the minutes until we outta here.

Upon conclusion of our class, we bid farewell and daughter and I proceed to the car. She begins texting madly to catch up for the last three hours of cell phone silence and announces that we deserve to go to lunch together. Silently driving down the road, I smile, slip into my smart-ass mode and say aloud, “Teacher, my feet feel twinkle-toes light, but now I have a tension headache and my teeth are falling out. ”

Daughter finally cracks a smile, continues texting and without missing a beat replies loudly while shaking her arms, “B-L-A-A-A-H-H-H”, which if you recall, is our brand-new tension releasing exercise assigned to us by the dancing teacher.

The class was kind of a bust, but look at the myriad of material it provided. Quality daughter time with laughs to boot. Not too shabby for a rainy Saturday.