Today is my 28th Wedding Anniversary! Here's my job description :)

HOUSEHOLD MANAGER

This is not an opportunity for employment -- just my thoughts on a mother's job:

Our household is seeking a selfless individual with experience in the following areas:

• Financial Manager: budget implementation, expense allocation, investment supervision. This includes removal of coins from the washer/dryer and elsewhere.

• Human Relations: possess the ability to counsel and hit “reset” buttons on those who need it, with the ability to handle conflict resolution. A minimum of at least five years experience in psychological counseling is required. Counseling is to be administered on a “no appointment necessary basis”, as breakdowns occur often and are unpredictable.

• Procurement: Responsible for purchasing all necessities in order to keep the household running smoothly while remaining within the parameters of annual budget. A financial bonus for cost-reductions reducing budget forecast sat year’s end will be considered.

• Culinary: Meal preparation including three tasty, healthy meals daily for household members. This would include the production of brown-bag lunches as well as healthy snacks. Meal prep may not be redundant and the suggestion of consumption of left-overs (although healthy for the annual budget) will not be tolerated on an ongoing basis. Breakfast MAY not consist solely of cereal, tuna salad for lunch will be accepted on an occasional basis, especially during lent.

• Janitorial: Household cleaning responsibilities including window washing, bed making, floor sweeping and mopping, snow shoveling, toilet cleaning, vacuuming, dish washing, laundering of clothes and dusting of everything from ceiling fans to baseboards.

*NOTE: NO household member will be available for assistance for any listed janitorial duties. Additionally, trash removal as well as toilet paper replacement will be the SOLE responsibility of the Household Manager.

• Medical: Complete medical knowledge of the human body is a plus. The ability to administer medicine to members as well as band-aids and salve is required.

• Chauffeur: Must possess automobile in order to move household members from point “a” to point ”b”. This task may have to be performed multiple times daily and include waiting for over 30 minutes for household members to arrive at vehicle.

• General: Applicant should possess cheerful ability to implement “wake-up” calls for household members, even the most cranky, and be able to push said members out of the home daily if required. Applicant should NEVER rely that any household member has had the forethought to set a morning alarm clock or figured out what breakfast will be, etc. Strict compliance to this item is necessary. If required, applicant must secure outside employment to supplement overall budget.
• Vacation: No vacation plan is currently available.

• Medical: Medical plan is available. Manager will be expected to perform all of the above-listed duties regardless of illness.

• Fringe Benefits : Endless cups of coffee.

Interested individuals should forward their resume to the address listed below

Household Manager
Department of Marriage and Parenthood
111 Calgon-Take-Me-Away Blvd.
Anywhere, USA