Ever get one of these e-mail returns?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Mail Delivery System [mailer-daemon@comcast.net]
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
Delivery to the following recipients is still underway after 49.9 hour(s):
*persons-wrong-address-you-thought-you-knew@yourinternetprovider.net
Will keep trying and contact you if the message can't be delivered permanently.
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Thanks, but no thanks, I get it. The e-mail I sent isn’t going through. It's been almost 50 hours and you're still trying.... Seriously, is it necessary to be notified a dozen times daily that I’m wrong and they know it? Listen, IP (short for internet provider but it should mean incessant pesterer) Here’s my authorization:
STOP TRYING TO SEND THE MESSAGE! It’s really not THAT urgent…
I think to myself “Why do they keep reminding me with their automatically-generated-delivery-status-notification?” Because they enjoy torturing me, that’s why…and for this, I pay them money.
Here’s the bait: I see a new message in my inbox. Oh, no, it’s not a real e-mail, just another reminder/spank-across-the-ego from “Oh-so-better-than-thou IP” that the e-mail address I used was incorrect, or the recipient purposely changed his/her address solely to avoid all communications from me. This notification is a flagrant reminder that I screwed up. Oh yeah, it was me, because as far as “IP” Mailer Delivery System is a computer, and they NEVER make mistakes -- so much better than real humans....
What “IP” really wants to bleep is “Yeah, we’ll keep trying to send… but the only way that message is going anywhere other than the recycle bin is for you print it out, put it in a bottle and launch it into the Atlantic Ocean.
For now, we’ll continue attempting to send, while e-mailing you we can’t because, BLEEP -- that’s what we do - BLEEP!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Techno-savy no More!
When I turned 50 last year, my family gifted me with a laptop computer because my hubby was ALWAYS doing research on the desktop in the study. Ever so slowly during the past year, he has adopted the use of my laptop 24/7 making it extremely difficult to obtain access, exiling me to the desktop in the study or texting from my cellphone. Yeah, I'm a pretty techo-savy, happening 50-year-old computer/cellphone whiz mom I'd say. That is until I was "de-throned" yesterday by disrespectful, bratty children. You see, not having access to MY computer once again, I attempted to text a message to the children on Monday evening. My cellphone has a touchscreen, not buttons with letters, making life difficult. Not to mention that if one spaces two times, the phone chooses to put a period after the last letter assuming you are ending a sentence. It also CAPITALIZES things randomly. It's definitely some glitch in the phone, because I'm postive that it is not caused by operator-error :)
Here’s the text they received (I have to admit it is pretty bad…..
"Hi all. Sat is dads actual bday but we r celebrating with his havertown pals and staying over. At Gerr’s. My plan was a family dinner. On SUN here and Elisa and Jon could cook. I'll buy u guys cook. Laura could u do the cake? Tori it would be good of Kay could come and u guys help out. Dad is researching ear buds so I'll buy them (app $70) and u guys can split it if u want or choose ur own gift. Let me know if this works for u. Love mom"
After receiving the text, they discussed amongst themselves how many glasses of wine had been consumed before sending the treasured text to them. The topic was the highlight of their day and I'm sure they shared many laughs on my behalf....aren't they just darling?
Here's my reply:
Dearest Children who are making fun of my text from last night:
Please be advised that I had to send it on my quite “touchy” cell phone (which puts a period after every two spaces and CAPITALIZES everything) because **SHOCKER** dad was on my computer all night, yet again, this time searching for the ear buds from heaven suitable for his tender and discriminating ears . I will make sure that, in the future, I make a special effort to send an email from the desktop in the study rather than send a quick note, lest I be drawn and quartered verbally amongst yourselves via cellphone and over the internet.
Remember the gift you all gave me last year for my 50th birthday? Well, I might draft a birthday card to dad re-gifting it to him this year, as it might as well be his sole possession.
As a sidebar, I would like to mention that I don’t recall any of you have a phone with a touch screen rather than buttons to send texts and until you do, please keep your smart-a** opinions and comments to yourselves.
P.S. Remember the woman to whom you run when your computer(s) are acting up. That can change, you know! Fondly,
Mother
Here’s the text they received (I have to admit it is pretty bad…..
"Hi all. Sat is dads actual bday but we r celebrating with his havertown pals and staying over. At Gerr’s. My plan was a family dinner. On SUN here and Elisa and Jon could cook. I'll buy u guys cook. Laura could u do the cake? Tori it would be good of Kay could come and u guys help out. Dad is researching ear buds so I'll buy them (app $70) and u guys can split it if u want or choose ur own gift. Let me know if this works for u. Love mom"
After receiving the text, they discussed amongst themselves how many glasses of wine had been consumed before sending the treasured text to them. The topic was the highlight of their day and I'm sure they shared many laughs on my behalf....aren't they just darling?
Here's my reply:
Dearest Children who are making fun of my text from last night:
Please be advised that I had to send it on my quite “touchy” cell phone (which puts a period after every two spaces and CAPITALIZES everything) because **SHOCKER** dad was on my computer all night, yet again, this time searching for the ear buds from heaven suitable for his tender and discriminating ears . I will make sure that, in the future, I make a special effort to send an email from the desktop in the study rather than send a quick note, lest I be drawn and quartered verbally amongst yourselves via cellphone and over the internet.
Remember the gift you all gave me last year for my 50th birthday? Well, I might draft a birthday card to dad re-gifting it to him this year, as it might as well be his sole possession.
As a sidebar, I would like to mention that I don’t recall any of you have a phone with a touch screen rather than buttons to send texts and until you do, please keep your smart-a** opinions and comments to yourselves.
P.S. Remember the woman to whom you run when your computer(s) are acting up. That can change, you know! Fondly,
Mother
Monday, March 22, 2010
I am a Catholic. In case of an accident ....
A "Cradle Catholic" is someone who has been born and raised Catholic rather than having converted into the religion later in life. Having been baptized as an infant and attended Catholic elementary and high schools, I am the former rather than latter.
I love my faith and try live a dedicated, spiritual life according to the church and its docrine. When my children were younger, it was very important for me to teach them their faith. I even volunteered to teach Catechism (religion) classes in my parish.
My high school identification card was recently discovered by my youngest daughter, a senior in a non-Catholic high school. She was fascinated by the ID card on a multitude of levels, which intrigued and actually "creeped me out" that she was carrying it around in her wallet. What the fascination was, I'll probably never know, but I suspect that unlike my current driver's license with the prison-shot photo, my high school picture didn't have the capacity to scare white-off-rice, which in her probable opinion was miraculous. Additionally, on the back of the ID card, there was a statement that read: "I am a Catholic, in case of an accident, please call a priest."
Whle hanging out in the kitchen washing dishes while she watched, I could not ignore hyenia-like laughter from my daughter as she repeated over and over again "...in case of accident, please call a priest."
"What's IS so funny?" I questioned her as she almost fell out of the chair laughing.
"I don't know..." she answered, "I just find it strange that someone is supposed to call a priest if you get hurt. I mean, what are people 'supposed to do -- look up the phone number of a priest and tell them that you had to go to the emergency room to get stiches or something?"
It was at this very moment that any joy, pride or happiness at having passed along a shred of Catholic knowledge to my daughters was washed down the kitchen drain with the water from the dishes.
"No, dufus (another loving motherly expression I frequently choose) it's in case of a life-threatening emergency so that you can recieve the Sacrament of the Sick; not if you scrape your knee to please call the priest and leave a message on his answering machine that you got hurt and then hang up. Just keeping him "posted."
Ahhh, just another humbling moment in motherhood, the kind when you imagine someone saying, "Outta line, lady, you must be dreaming or something, you lose! Imagine a piece of loose-leaf with a big red grade "F". Ouch!
As I write this, I realize it doesn't matter how she learned this Catholic lesson. She learned it even though it was in some round-about dufus, hyenia laughing way. I found the ID card on the kitchen counter the other day, picked it up and popped it into the big bucket marked "photo archive."
Perhaps someday, even 50 years from now, she'll see it again and remember our conversation and smile.
I love my faith and try live a dedicated, spiritual life according to the church and its docrine. When my children were younger, it was very important for me to teach them their faith. I even volunteered to teach Catechism (religion) classes in my parish.
My high school identification card was recently discovered by my youngest daughter, a senior in a non-Catholic high school. She was fascinated by the ID card on a multitude of levels, which intrigued and actually "creeped me out" that she was carrying it around in her wallet. What the fascination was, I'll probably never know, but I suspect that unlike my current driver's license with the prison-shot photo, my high school picture didn't have the capacity to scare white-off-rice, which in her probable opinion was miraculous. Additionally, on the back of the ID card, there was a statement that read: "I am a Catholic, in case of an accident, please call a priest."
Whle hanging out in the kitchen washing dishes while she watched, I could not ignore hyenia-like laughter from my daughter as she repeated over and over again "...in case of accident, please call a priest."
"What's IS so funny?" I questioned her as she almost fell out of the chair laughing.
"I don't know..." she answered, "I just find it strange that someone is supposed to call a priest if you get hurt. I mean, what are people 'supposed to do -- look up the phone number of a priest and tell them that you had to go to the emergency room to get stiches or something?"
It was at this very moment that any joy, pride or happiness at having passed along a shred of Catholic knowledge to my daughters was washed down the kitchen drain with the water from the dishes.
"No, dufus (another loving motherly expression I frequently choose) it's in case of a life-threatening emergency so that you can recieve the Sacrament of the Sick; not if you scrape your knee to please call the priest and leave a message on his answering machine that you got hurt and then hang up. Just keeping him "posted."
Ahhh, just another humbling moment in motherhood, the kind when you imagine someone saying, "Outta line, lady, you must be dreaming or something, you lose! Imagine a piece of loose-leaf with a big red grade "F". Ouch!
As I write this, I realize it doesn't matter how she learned this Catholic lesson. She learned it even though it was in some round-about dufus, hyenia laughing way. I found the ID card on the kitchen counter the other day, picked it up and popped it into the big bucket marked "photo archive."
Perhaps someday, even 50 years from now, she'll see it again and remember our conversation and smile.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Fluffy Noodles for My Patient
Men are miserable when they are not feeling well. This includes the entire array of sicknesses from severe head colds to splinters and ingrown toe nails. What does a caregiver do when this happens? I like to refer to it as the "poor baby" treatment.
Recently my significant other had a nasty head cold and was achy all over. I called him to question what I could purvey for him from the supermarket to assist in his recovery. "Soup with egg noodles was his stuffy reply."
My first inclination was to make the soup myself, but it was already 8 PM when I arrived at the supermarket and as I approached the aisle, I'll admit, I sold out and went directly to the cans. of soup. Asurprisingly limited supply of canned chicken sat upon the shelf. The kind we usually like chicken-wise, such as Italian Wedding, Chicken rice, etc. were there, but I didn't see anything clearly labeled "contains egg noodles." I found one with wide yellow noodles (not the skinny Campbell's kind) and thought, "sold." My purchased consisted of 6-8 cans of soup for my love.
Next morning, while preparing for work, my sweetheart stepped into the bedroom and asked, "Did you get me the soup yesterday?"
"Yes, there's like 50 cans of soup downstairs." I replied exaggerating.
"Not with egg noodles -- they all have pasta." I stared at him for a moment and continued applying eye makeup while explaining, "Look, I spent almost 20 minutes in the soup aisle looking for what you wanted. I thought the can with the picture of the wide-yellow-ruffley noodles were egg noodles. What's the difference between the two? Seriously?"
"Well, the egg noodles are lighter and not so heavy. They're easier to eat when you're sick." I stared at him thinking oh so silently, "This from a man who will consume four meals before lunctime today, which most likely will include pizza and maybe a can of chili." In reality I smiled, looked up and responded sympathetically, "Poor baby, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better next time :)"
Upon listening to my explanation of the story to a friend that morning, she asked "Did you smack him?"
"Oh no," I smiled, "I just apologized and said next time I'll read the label closer."
Who could be angry at someone with a severe head cold who just wanted light-fluffy- egg-noodles? Plus, this kind of material is priceless! The entire dialogue amused me --I love it when life and family members provide me with humorous moments like these. Believe me, there's so much more to come :)
PS -- Just went to the cabinet, (see picture) I think I was right all along. No surprise :)
LMN
Recently my significant other had a nasty head cold and was achy all over. I called him to question what I could purvey for him from the supermarket to assist in his recovery. "Soup with egg noodles was his stuffy reply."
My first inclination was to make the soup myself, but it was already 8 PM when I arrived at the supermarket and as I approached the aisle, I'll admit, I sold out and went directly to the cans. of soup. Asurprisingly limited supply of canned chicken sat upon the shelf. The kind we usually like chicken-wise, such as Italian Wedding, Chicken rice, etc. were there, but I didn't see anything clearly labeled "contains egg noodles." I found one with wide yellow noodles (not the skinny Campbell's kind) and thought, "sold." My purchased consisted of 6-8 cans of soup for my love.
Next morning, while preparing for work, my sweetheart stepped into the bedroom and asked, "Did you get me the soup yesterday?"
"Yes, there's like 50 cans of soup downstairs." I replied exaggerating.
"Not with egg noodles -- they all have pasta." I stared at him for a moment and continued applying eye makeup while explaining, "Look, I spent almost 20 minutes in the soup aisle looking for what you wanted. I thought the can with the picture of the wide-yellow-ruffley noodles were egg noodles. What's the difference between the two? Seriously?"
"Well, the egg noodles are lighter and not so heavy. They're easier to eat when you're sick." I stared at him thinking oh so silently, "This from a man who will consume four meals before lunctime today, which most likely will include pizza and maybe a can of chili." In reality I smiled, looked up and responded sympathetically, "Poor baby, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better next time :)"
Upon listening to my explanation of the story to a friend that morning, she asked "Did you smack him?"
"Oh no," I smiled, "I just apologized and said next time I'll read the label closer."
Who could be angry at someone with a severe head cold who just wanted light-fluffy- egg-noodles? Plus, this kind of material is priceless! The entire dialogue amused me --I love it when life and family members provide me with humorous moments like these. Believe me, there's so much more to come :)
LMN
Today is my 28th Wedding Anniversary! Here's my job description :)
HOUSEHOLD MANAGER
This is not an opportunity for employment -- just my thoughts on a mother's job:
Our household is seeking a selfless individual with experience in the following areas:
• Financial Manager: budget implementation, expense allocation, investment supervision. This includes removal of coins from the washer/dryer and elsewhere.
• Human Relations: possess the ability to counsel and hit “reset” buttons on those who need it, with the ability to handle conflict resolution. A minimum of at least five years experience in psychological counseling is required. Counseling is to be administered on a “no appointment necessary basis”, as breakdowns occur often and are unpredictable.
• Procurement: Responsible for purchasing all necessities in order to keep the household running smoothly while remaining within the parameters of annual budget. A financial bonus for cost-reductions reducing budget forecast sat year’s end will be considered.
• Culinary: Meal preparation including three tasty, healthy meals daily for household members. This would include the production of brown-bag lunches as well as healthy snacks. Meal prep may not be redundant and the suggestion of consumption of left-overs (although healthy for the annual budget) will not be tolerated on an ongoing basis. Breakfast MAY not consist solely of cereal, tuna salad for lunch will be accepted on an occasional basis, especially during lent.
• Janitorial: Household cleaning responsibilities including window washing, bed making, floor sweeping and mopping, snow shoveling, toilet cleaning, vacuuming, dish washing, laundering of clothes and dusting of everything from ceiling fans to baseboards.
*NOTE: NO household member will be available for assistance for any listed janitorial duties. Additionally, trash removal as well as toilet paper replacement will be the SOLE responsibility of the Household Manager.
• Medical: Complete medical knowledge of the human body is a plus. The ability to administer medicine to members as well as band-aids and salve is required.
• Chauffeur: Must possess automobile in order to move household members from point “a” to point ”b”. This task may have to be performed multiple times daily and include waiting for over 30 minutes for household members to arrive at vehicle.
• General: Applicant should possess cheerful ability to implement “wake-up” calls for household members, even the most cranky, and be able to push said members out of the home daily if required. Applicant should NEVER rely that any household member has had the forethought to set a morning alarm clock or figured out what breakfast will be, etc. Strict compliance to this item is necessary. If required, applicant must secure outside employment to supplement overall budget.
• Vacation: No vacation plan is currently available.
• Medical: Medical plan is available. Manager will be expected to perform all of the above-listed duties regardless of illness.
• Fringe Benefits : Endless cups of coffee.
Interested individuals should forward their resume to the address listed below
Household Manager
Department of Marriage and Parenthood
111 Calgon-Take-Me-Away Blvd.
Anywhere, USA
This is not an opportunity for employment -- just my thoughts on a mother's job:
Our household is seeking a selfless individual with experience in the following areas:
• Financial Manager: budget implementation, expense allocation, investment supervision. This includes removal of coins from the washer/dryer and elsewhere.
• Human Relations: possess the ability to counsel and hit “reset” buttons on those who need it, with the ability to handle conflict resolution. A minimum of at least five years experience in psychological counseling is required. Counseling is to be administered on a “no appointment necessary basis”, as breakdowns occur often and are unpredictable.
• Procurement: Responsible for purchasing all necessities in order to keep the household running smoothly while remaining within the parameters of annual budget. A financial bonus for cost-reductions reducing budget forecast sat year’s end will be considered.
• Culinary: Meal preparation including three tasty, healthy meals daily for household members. This would include the production of brown-bag lunches as well as healthy snacks. Meal prep may not be redundant and the suggestion of consumption of left-overs (although healthy for the annual budget) will not be tolerated on an ongoing basis. Breakfast MAY not consist solely of cereal, tuna salad for lunch will be accepted on an occasional basis, especially during lent.
• Janitorial: Household cleaning responsibilities including window washing, bed making, floor sweeping and mopping, snow shoveling, toilet cleaning, vacuuming, dish washing, laundering of clothes and dusting of everything from ceiling fans to baseboards.
*NOTE: NO household member will be available for assistance for any listed janitorial duties. Additionally, trash removal as well as toilet paper replacement will be the SOLE responsibility of the Household Manager.
• Medical: Complete medical knowledge of the human body is a plus. The ability to administer medicine to members as well as band-aids and salve is required.
• Chauffeur: Must possess automobile in order to move household members from point “a” to point ”b”. This task may have to be performed multiple times daily and include waiting for over 30 minutes for household members to arrive at vehicle.
• General: Applicant should possess cheerful ability to implement “wake-up” calls for household members, even the most cranky, and be able to push said members out of the home daily if required. Applicant should NEVER rely that any household member has had the forethought to set a morning alarm clock or figured out what breakfast will be, etc. Strict compliance to this item is necessary. If required, applicant must secure outside employment to supplement overall budget.
• Vacation: No vacation plan is currently available.
• Medical: Medical plan is available. Manager will be expected to perform all of the above-listed duties regardless of illness.
• Fringe Benefits : Endless cups of coffee.
Interested individuals should forward their resume to the address listed below
Household Manager
Department of Marriage and Parenthood
111 Calgon-Take-Me-Away Blvd.
Anywhere, USA
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