Complaint Letter to the Acme Crown Company

Gentlemen:
I have discovered for well over 20 years I have been wearing an incorrectly-issued crown and would like to request an even exchange. My present crown though lovely, is not the model requested when newly married. I have documentation supporting my requisition for the Crown entitled, “Queen of the World” Model #QOW001 but received the Crown “Mother of the World” model #MOW002. This is a serious error on your behalf and must be rectified.

The difference is appalling and please let me count the ways: Queen of the World is an infinitely more desirable crown. The diamonds and gold are priceless and sparkly, the job description associated with it beyond fabulous -- servants, grapes, champagne, and luxury galore. What more could a girl ask for? On the flip side, my current model, Mother of the World Crown, is substantially less glamorous. Not only is the crown itself a knock-off of the better version, it’s silver-plated with snaggle-toothed looking cubic zirconium diamonds, and the job description is extremely challenging.

Mother of the World has to respond to an average of 6-10 needy phone calls daily ranging from “Give me more money!” to “Can I have access to your bank account passwords?"and finally, the single most heart-stopping cell phone call a mother could imagine -- a child on her cell phone who reported, “Oh, no I’m getting into an car accident!” The icing on this little scenario are endless chores, listening to the woes of others and servitude to mankind on the level of some devout sect of nuns.  Need I go further? Mother of the World is a selfless, compassionate and giving person whose reward is in heaven. Queen of the World is a selfish, screw-the-world, bitchy, get-away-with-anything type, and her reward is right here and now on planet earth.

I would appreciate receiving my rightful crown at my home address in a timely fashion at which time we can call it even.  If there is any problem resulting in requested exchange, you will be contacted by my lawyers who also represent the King of the World.

And guess what? The King of the World always gets everything he wants.