Complaint Letter to the Acme Crown Company

Gentlemen:
I have discovered for well over 20 years I have been wearing an incorrectly-issued crown and would like to request an even exchange. My present crown though lovely, is not the model requested when newly married. I have documentation supporting my requisition for the Crown entitled, “Queen of the World” Model #QOW001 but received the Crown “Mother of the World” model #MOW002. This is a serious error on your behalf and must be rectified.

The difference is appalling and please let me count the ways: Queen of the World is an infinitely more desirable crown. The diamonds and gold are priceless and sparkly, the job description associated with it beyond fabulous -- servants, grapes, champagne, and luxury galore. What more could a girl ask for? On the flip side, my current model, Mother of the World Crown, is substantially less glamorous. Not only is the crown itself a knock-off of the better version, it’s silver-plated with snaggle-toothed looking cubic zirconium diamonds, and the job description is extremely challenging.

Mother of the World has to respond to an average of 6-10 needy phone calls daily ranging from “Give me more money!” to “Can I have access to your bank account passwords?"and finally, the single most heart-stopping cell phone call a mother could imagine -- a child on her cell phone who reported, “Oh, no I’m getting into an car accident!” The icing on this little scenario are endless chores, listening to the woes of others and servitude to mankind on the level of some devout sect of nuns.  Need I go further? Mother of the World is a selfless, compassionate and giving person whose reward is in heaven. Queen of the World is a selfish, screw-the-world, bitchy, get-away-with-anything type, and her reward is right here and now on planet earth.

I would appreciate receiving my rightful crown at my home address in a timely fashion at which time we can call it even.  If there is any problem resulting in requested exchange, you will be contacted by my lawyers who also represent the King of the World.

And guess what? The King of the World always gets everything he wants.

My Little Pony

I’ve received a few gifts this summer, but none as meaningful as my little pony. Following a series of serious, silly and nonsensical political discussions, my little pony named “pinkie pie” arrived in a little gift bag about a month ago, and though she is probably only worth $5, I consider her to be priceless.

I could write an entirely serious, boring chapter reporting on how pinky pie came to fruition, but I’ll summarize by sharing that she is an award, a tribute for stick-to-itness, for never giving up in life. She is kind of like an Oscar for attempting to be a good worker, sister, daughter, friend, mother, wife, and American citizen.

I think the exact words which prompted pinky’s purchase was my begging for a pony after my brother sarcastically commented “Oh, you’ve actually tried to contribute to society? Here’s a pony!” (Referring to what our government should do instead of other things….) I fell off the couch in laughter at his reasoning and immediately began obnoxiously begging for a pony of my very own every time I saw him by bellowing “I want pony!” Doesn’t this bring to mind the Seinfeld pony episode where the great aunt says, “I had pony!”

Pinky represents all that is good and shiny and fluffy in the world. She even came with her own combing brush in case her glittery, synthetic hair becomes matted as a result of life’s trials and tribulations. Pinky’s hair looks fab, but I could use that comb myself a few times a day. Just tossing that out there... It ain’t easy living up to the expectations of the ownership of my little pony. You know, I once had a priest friend tell me the one of the most important prayers to God would be for strength and guidance in life. Period, end. Those words have carried me pretty far in both blessed and trying times. Pinky is just an added accessory, and she’s all mine! Thanks, Ed for one of the best and most meaningful gifts of the year!